Posts Tagged ‘love’


4+ years trying to conceive

3 rounds IVF

1 round IUI

2 years of acupuncture

thousands of dollars spent on fertility meds/herbs

countless days and nights of bloating, soreness, frustration, mood swings, and tears 

Throughout the 3 years we have been trying to have a baby, there have been two lingering questions:

  1. Why do you want a child?
  2. Would you be able to live without one if all fails? 

First off, I do get a bit peeved when I get presented with the first question from others because I find the question itself ridiculous (despite the fact that I’m often asking myself this very question…. but it stops today!). Why exactly do I have to reflect on WHY I want a child? It almost seems as if I’m being prompted to think about the core reason for wanting to get pregnant as a probe into whether or not I want one for the “right” reasons, or to convince me that maybe I don’t have a just desire. How do I answer this question, exactly? “I want a baby so I can buy him/her cute outfits. I want a new accessory. They’re cute.” Is this what they’re hoping to hear? Teenagers who knocked up by their high school boyfriend aren’t required to do the same soul searching before being given a life to take care of. Women who get pregnant without plans are not asked to give a reason for needing a baby because they did NOT want the baby to begin with. Well, then why do I need to ask myself the reason for wanting a child?

Secondly, I do wonder if David and I will be able to live the rest of our lives without children. This thought scares me beyond belief, considering all the struggles we have had the past three years. In the beginning of our journey, not having kids seemed like such an impossibility.. It was just a natural order of events for me.

You get married. You learn to cohabit. You have to share your crap. You have kids.

But as time goes on, the possibility becomes more and more hauntingly real.

I don’t think I can do it.  

I realized that I can’t give up on this hope, and the reason lies not entirely because I crave motherhood so much (which I do).. it’s more so because I will never be able to let go of David not being able to be experience fatherhood. This man was BORN to be a father. He was BORN to raise children who are thoughtful, caring, and god-fearing individuals. I know our children will feel safe in our home and loved by both their heavenly and earthly father. It infuriates me to know how many fathers there are in this world who do not take the incredible burden of fatherhood seriously, while this amazing man is robbed of the experiences every month that our treatments are unsuccessful. He is just so full of love and nurture and it is dying for an outlet. The pup has been a good placeholder for the time being.

So, how’s that for a reason?


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year 2, down


happy 2 year anniversary to my one and only.

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i heart life


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One of my precious third graders lost his mother last night.

He noticed his mother “snoring” in her sleep but it didn’t sound quite right. He called over his father to check up on her and the next thing he knows, his father is doing CPR. “but it was too late.” his father told the 8 year old to call 911 and soon the firemen and police came. “it was too late. She died.”

When Seth’s parents came in for parent teacher conference, I noted not only the they were older than most parents of a 3rd grader, they also both towered over Seth, making him look teeny tiny next to them. When discussing the behavior issues I’ve experienced with him at school, his mother scolded him in a stern but gentle manner, as if anything harsher might break him. it was obvious to me that they both cherished Seth. He was their prized possession, the only baby of the family.

As I think about what Seth just experienced last night, I wonder just how big and strong both his parents really looked to him last night. He saw his mother helpless on the ground and saw his father break down and cry in front of him. Meanwhile, Seth came to school at the normal time and went through the normal day with little to no disruptions. I pulled him aside to have a talk with him to see if there was anything I can do. He told his story as if he was reading it from a storybook. He then tells me that he was trying to be good all morning. I assured him that his behavior was excellent today. Whenever I asked him how he’s doing today, he would just say that he’s trying to be strong.. As if that’s what he’s supposed to be saying.

But why does he have to be so strong? He’s only 8.

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below:  just a reflection back on Mr. KOm’s romantic valentine’s day picnic in our very own bedroom.. swooOon ❤







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