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Posts Tagged ‘hopes’

questions

4+ years trying to conceive

3 rounds IVF

1 round IUI

2 years of acupuncture

thousands of dollars spent on fertility meds/herbs

countless days and nights of bloating, soreness, frustration, mood swings, and tears 

Throughout the 3 years we have been trying to have a baby, there have been two lingering questions:

  1. Why do you want a child?
  2. Would you be able to live without one if all fails? 

First off, I do get a bit peeved when I get presented with the first question from others because I find the question itself ridiculous (despite the fact that I’m often asking myself this very question…. but it stops today!). Why exactly do I have to reflect on WHY I want a child? It almost seems as if I’m being prompted to think about the core reason for wanting to get pregnant as a probe into whether or not I want one for the “right” reasons, or to convince me that maybe I don’t have a just desire. How do I answer this question, exactly? “I want a baby so I can buy him/her cute outfits. I want a new accessory. They’re cute.” Is this what they’re hoping to hear? Teenagers who knocked up by their high school boyfriend aren’t required to do the same soul searching before being given a life to take care of. Women who get pregnant without plans are not asked to give a reason for needing a baby because they did NOT want the baby to begin with. Well, then why do I need to ask myself the reason for wanting a child?

Secondly, I do wonder if David and I will be able to live the rest of our lives without children. This thought scares me beyond belief, considering all the struggles we have had the past three years. In the beginning of our journey, not having kids seemed like such an impossibility.. It was just a natural order of events for me.

You get married. You learn to cohabit. You have to share your crap. You have kids.

But as time goes on, the possibility becomes more and more hauntingly real.

I don’t think I can do it.  

I realized that I can’t give up on this hope, and the reason lies not entirely because I crave motherhood so much (which I do).. it’s more so because I will never be able to let go of David not being able to be experience fatherhood. This man was BORN to be a father. He was BORN to raise children who are thoughtful, caring, and god-fearing individuals. I know our children will feel safe in our home and loved by both their heavenly and earthly father. It infuriates me to know how many fathers there are in this world who do not take the incredible burden of fatherhood seriously, while this amazing man is robbed of the experiences every month that our treatments are unsuccessful. He is just so full of love and nurture and it is dying for an outlet. The pup has been a good placeholder for the time being.

So, how’s that for a reason?

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During Reader’s Workshop each day in school, my 3rd graders choose a “book nook” around the room to get comfortable during silent sustained reading time. This is just a way that I try to get kids excited for reading and develop a love for books. I’d love my own children to live a reading life and I’m always looking at cool library ideas and book displays. This is definitely one of my favs!

how awesome is that?! not only can it serve as a reading spot, it can also be a prayer nook. A quiet place where he/she can go to pray and spend time with God. Who wouldn’t love that? I definitely need one for myself..

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Mr. KOm thought it would be a brilliant idea to babysit the Cho kids (ages 3,4, and 6) while their parents, our beloved mentor couple celebrate their wedding anniversary. What started out to be a great idea soon became an impending reality. Our decision to babysit for 3 days at the end of our week off of work somehow turned into 3 days smack in the middle of our weekday. In other words… It would take up the bulk of our days off with little time to prepare ourselves nor down time to recuperate.

Some memorable quotes from the cuties:
Karis: my teeth are ready to fight you.
Eva: I was playing with the handsome boy. He’s so handsome, I wanna marry him
Joshua: when are u going to have babies, dolly?
Karis: is your belly full of babies, dolly?

I must say.. I don’t think I would have spent break any other way. They are such precious children.. Each one is so spunky and unique in their own way. Definitely looking forward to the day when we will be ready for a family so we can meet our own little ones. What will their personalities be like??

Through this experience, I was also able to see just how much God love his little children. Not only that, I started to feel so protective over them that I couldn’t bear to not pray for them each night before we all went to sleep. The thought of bad dreams invading their precious minds throughout the night broke my heart. I was able to taste a small slice of the love pie that God feels for each of his children, including me. Thank you Lord for your unending love!!

Sigh…

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