Posts Tagged ‘babies’


4+ years trying to conceive

3 rounds IVF

1 round IUI

2 years of acupuncture

thousands of dollars spent on fertility meds/herbs

countless days and nights of bloating, soreness, frustration, mood swings, and tears 

Throughout the 3 years we have been trying to have a baby, there have been two lingering questions:

  1. Why do you want a child?
  2. Would you be able to live without one if all fails? 

First off, I do get a bit peeved when I get presented with the first question from others because I find the question itself ridiculous (despite the fact that I’m often asking myself this very question…. but it stops today!). Why exactly do I have to reflect on WHY I want a child? It almost seems as if I’m being prompted to think about the core reason for wanting to get pregnant as a probe into whether or not I want one for the “right” reasons, or to convince me that maybe I don’t have a just desire. How do I answer this question, exactly? “I want a baby so I can buy him/her cute outfits. I want a new accessory. They’re cute.” Is this what they’re hoping to hear? Teenagers who knocked up by their high school boyfriend aren’t required to do the same soul searching before being given a life to take care of. Women who get pregnant without plans are not asked to give a reason for needing a baby because they did NOT want the baby to begin with. Well, then why do I need to ask myself the reason for wanting a child?

Secondly, I do wonder if David and I will be able to live the rest of our lives without children. This thought scares me beyond belief, considering all the struggles we have had the past three years. In the beginning of our journey, not having kids seemed like such an impossibility.. It was just a natural order of events for me.

You get married. You learn to cohabit. You have to share your crap. You have kids.

But as time goes on, the possibility becomes more and more hauntingly real.

I don’t think I can do it.  

I realized that I can’t give up on this hope, and the reason lies not entirely because I crave motherhood so much (which I do).. it’s more so because I will never be able to let go of David not being able to be experience fatherhood. This man was BORN to be a father. He was BORN to raise children who are thoughtful, caring, and god-fearing individuals. I know our children will feel safe in our home and loved by both their heavenly and earthly father. It infuriates me to know how many fathers there are in this world who do not take the incredible burden of fatherhood seriously, while this amazing man is robbed of the experiences every month that our treatments are unsuccessful. He is just so full of love and nurture and it is dying for an outlet. The pup has been a good placeholder for the time being.

So, how’s that for a reason?


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During Reader’s Workshop each day in school, my 3rd graders choose a “book nook” around the room to get comfortable during silent sustained reading time. This is just a way that I try to get kids excited for reading and develop a love for books. I’d love my own children to live a reading life and I’m always looking at cool library ideas and book displays. This is definitely one of my favs!

how awesome is that?! not only can it serve as a reading spot, it can also be a prayer nook. A quiet place where he/she can go to pray and spend time with God. Who wouldn’t love that? I definitely need one for myself..

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ultimate labor of love

the ultimate, unmatchable, utmost labor of love in life is… well, the actual LABOR of love aka having a living being come out of your beloved woman parts (ouch). it’s almost been a year since mr.KOm and i have been married and more often than not, i find myself swooning over little baby toes, little baby noses, little baby fingers…. trouble trouble trouble.

recently i was perusing through facebook and came across the page of an old high school buddy who got married around the same time mr.KOm and i did. i had to email her RIGHT AWAY after i saw her webpage:

disbelief, shock, wonder, astonishment and surprise beyond WORDS! wayyyy too close to home.

i remember when we both got engaged, how exciting it was to have a friend who is going through a similar life stage as i.. and how refreshing it felt to be able to finally relate to someone during such a major time in our lives. i spoke to her on the phone about her pregnancy, her future plans, and her overall experience in her own marriage.. and i realized how far i am from being ready to raise a child.

can’t help but wonder.. how does she view me now that she’s gone beyond the “newlywed” stage to the “married with child” stage? though newly married, like us.. she’s now pregnant, unlike us. i explained to some of my girlfriends one day on how married life has changed my thinking. now that i’m in this life stage, to me everyone else is either married.. or not. if you’re dating, you’re just someone waiting to get married. if you don’t have a significant other, you’re simply waiting to find that someone so that you can eventually WAIT to get married. am i making any sense at all?? what kind of narrow minded thinking is this?

definitely NOT ready.

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